first in, last out

last weekend was labor day. a long weekend. just what i needed.

jon and i attended northwest passage dance camp, held near mt hood. the weather was just about perfect for camping, and the music and dancing were very high level and quite fun. and at the same time, it was a very different crowd than what i'm used to at contra camp. of course, this one had a very distinct mix of contra and english country dance, which was definitely part of the reason for the difference. i enjoyed spending time with the people, but it was by no means thrilling or really life changing unlike other camps where i've gone and felt like i never wanted to leave because i was having so much fun. though, i was given a dress to wear by someone who makes/alters dresses and, well, the dress was a hit. people were impressed and said things like, "wow" and "you look adorable" and "you really do look fantastic". so, a little confidence boost for me, despite the fact that i was unsure if i actually breathed the whole night, as the seams on the dress were rigid and somewhat tight. at one point i said, "how did people ever wear corsets?!"

on my way home tuesday morning - well, i say home, but i really mean on my way back to work - i was listening to the radio (since both my books on cd were a little too heavy for light, leisurely morning listening) and one of the first songs that came on was dave matthews band "satellite". i knew then that i was going to have a good music day, if nothing else. and i did (you can read about it in this post.)

but what this post is really about is being the first in and last out of work.

(for reference, the terms "first in, last out" and "last in, first out" come from labels my dad puts on the boxes christmas decorations. we keep them in the attic, which is long and narrow, and you can't get to all the boxes at once. they go into storage in a straight line. some boxes of decorations are for the house, which can go up before ones for the tree, and the last box out is the stockings since we only use them for christmas day. that's the one for which this post is named.)

at least 2 days a week, i get to work around 8am. since it's summer, there are very few people that are at work at that hour, and forget about students. the bike parking rack is nearly empty, and the same 7 bikes that are there every night when i leave are still there in the morning. i suspect 6 of them are abandoned due to the spiderwebs accumulating on them. i digress. i get to work and there's no one here, not even cars in the parking lot.

i go about my business of setting up my experiment for the day. some days it's getting the samples out of the oven to cool, getting ice for the coolers, cutting parafilm strips, cleaning out the hood, getting the nitration solution and samples from the downstairs lab and bringing them upstairs. sometimes it's getting the samples out of the dessicator and adding acetone. then the procedure begins. and then i have to wait for 4 hours while the reaction happens. or else i have to vortex the samples in 45 minute intervals until it's time to centrifuge them.

in this time i go about other tasks, like washing dishes and getting filters and things ready for the afternoon. i fill flasks with rinse water, separate filter papers, other lab type chores. sometimes i see some people, and sometimes i walk in the stairwell where i can see that there are a lot more cars in the parking lot by 10am. i then eat lunch, usually between 12-1. then, after 1pm, make a run to chem stores to pick up ~20lb of dry ice and bring it back to the lab. or, once the samples are done centrifuging, i bring them to the hood and allow them to evaporate, which takes about an hour. and then i get to do the most fun part of my job which is precipitate the samples, which sometimes works better than others.

by 130 i'm filtering samples. some are very, very slow. the hours creep by. i've done one filtration on 16 samples and it's taken between 3-4 hours.

on precipitation days, some samples do not need filtering. these are great samples and i praise them highly. thank you chemistry gods that made the reaction work so well. the ones that do need filtering usually take anywhere from 1-2 hours EACH to filter. this process is HIGHLY boring, and in the end, not very satisfying.

by now it's 5pm and i take a little walk around the building. it's so quiet. i look out into the parking lot. not many cars out there, but it's not empty. many people have already gone home for dinner. second filtration sometimes goes a little faster, and then it's 730-8pm.

i stop at some point and have some dinner. i think about things like how i wish i could make time to go to the gym on these days. or how some people are home right now. as i walk back to the lab, i look outside again and realize that everyone has gone home, leave a few straggling grad students who are on the computers in the lab or someone who stayed home with the kids and came in late to work on a few things.

my last filtration usually goes the fastest, and sometimes i'm done by 930 or 10. of course, it's usually later because i have to take breaks between each filtration set because my back is usually very sore. i have to stretch, sit down, or just get off my feet. so the first set goes from 130-430, take a break till 530, next set goes till 830, take a break till 9, next set goes till 1030 or 11, then i scrape the samples into tubes and put the tubes into the dessicator with the dry ice.

usually during my down time, if i'm not stretching or doing dishes, i do some email, catch up with people, do my alumni emails or other dance p.r. things, and usually have a snack. i knew things were getting dire when i went to my emergency food bag yesterday and found that it was down to 1 handful of roasted salted almonds, 2 handfuls of dried cranberries, 3 packets of instant oatmeal, and 1 can of amy's low sodium chunky tomato bisque soup. i mean, it's not the end of the world, but it certainly isn't anything i find to be 'thrilling'.

many nights i don't leave until 12am. sometimes later. and when i go back out to the bike rack, i see that the parking lot is empty, except for the state vehicles that are there all the time. and i realize all the bikes from this morning are still there. no one has come to claim them. i tell them, "good night" and head for home.

life can be so...routine - part 1

routine is something i have a very hard time with.

it's something i aspire to.

and yet, i don't actually want to have one.

i've thought maybe having a routine would be good. it could keep me on track with going to exercise, going to dances, eating meals, getting up on time, remembering to do things.

at the same time, there are so many factors that play into each day, that it's hard to keep the schedule going without having to adjust it all the time.

maybe my routine IS just very random. one day it's steady, the next day it's chaos.

when i lived in MN, i had a good routine. wake up, put clothes on heater, eat breakfast, put warm clothes on, go out into the below zero temperature and wait for the bus. same time, every day (except when i moved, but it was similar, just a different bus and location).

maybe routine suggests that a person who has a routine job, where one must be there at a given time and leave at a certain time. maybe because i have a wacky flexible schedule, i am not subject to the confines of routine. yeah, maybe that's it.

i don't like rules, anyway.

mama if that's movin' up, then i'm working out...

well it's christmas eve eve and i haven't got a single thing wrapped. but i'm with my family and that's the main thing. i see a long night of wrapping ahead of me. that's ok though because that's how we do it here :)

finished my christmas shopping (with my brother) last night. am trying to get my christmas letter done but it's dragging me down. 3 years to catch everyone up on...and wording it so it sounds like me...seems like it would be so easy but i'm just not motivated to do it.

i've already been to 3 contra dances in the first week i've been here. concord massachusetts one night (to crowfoot!) and 2 nights in greenfield massachusetts (wild asparagus, and green street!) i've seen a bunch of people i haven't seen in a long time, and got to dance with some of my favorite dancers. plus, i got to go the people's pint to have their home brewed ginger ale. delicious. yum.

have been watching the office season 5 on dvd. enjoy that show so much, thanks to my brother for introducing it to me and letting me watch his dvds. have also been watching this season of house that my mom dvr'd. is that even a verb? i guess recorded is right. it's not taped, like it used to be :)

have had a hard time sleeping the past week. not sure if it's just holidays, or insomnia, or the bed, or caffeine, or the tv, or time zone differences, or sleeping in, or what. i get up at 8am and am not sleepy until 130am. and, if i don't give into my first whim to just fall asleep, it takes me another hour to get rested enough to just drift off. i hate this because i've always been a good sleeper.

so, i've been going to the gym to try to help myself get tired. i've been working out with my mom for the past several days. went to her gym, which focuses more on resistance training and some small weight stuff, but mostly coordination, agility, strength, and flexibility...there are trainers there and they make up a workout of the day. my leg muscles are sore, despite not having done very much weight lifting with my legs. i guess my body weight is enough!

i haven't been good about writing these work outs each day, but here's what i remember from today.

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gym report:

10 min gliding runner

each exercise we did 7 reps, for 20 seconds each, and 10 seconds of rest

• kettle bell swing throughs (straight arms, swing kettle bell through legs, up to head height, using legs, squat position)
• alternating shoulder press
• squats
• bicep curl
• planks
• resistance band punching
• jacknifes (with weighted ball)

10 min gliding runner
10 min stretching

weight: didn't weigh today, but yesterday was 159.7
of course, i'm on a different scale so who really knows!

feeling full of loss

death, loss, and general sadness

today i found out that our dish scraper guy, thomas, died last week. he had come in the previous week to see us, to visit...he'd been gone for awhile, some surgery on his eyes, and then had broken part of his back and had been in a bed for weeks. he was well enough (and driving!) to come see us, though he didn't work that day. he was in great spirits.

today when i got to the kitchen, it was fairly empty. pat, the tall dishwasher, was also there early. i said, "you're here early" (i was too) and he said, "marilyn and i came early to pay our respects for tom." i said, "tom? the dish scraper?" he said, "yes, he passed away on veteran's day." i said, "really?! i had no idea! of course, i don't get the paper so i didn't see the obituary." pat said that apparently the night before he died, thomas was doing fine, had gone to bed at his usual time, and was snoring away at 9pm. when his wife checked on him in the morning, he had apparently died in his sleep and was not breathing. there is suspicion that he had an old aneurysm that began to leak again, but no autopsy was done. and now may he rest in peace.

knowing what that is like, to wake up next to someone you care about and realizing they are gone...i was devastated (my grandfather passed away in his recliner chair in the night, while i slept on the bed next to the chair, holding his hand). i did cry, a little, for what kind of person is not moved when a person they are close with passes on? but there was much work to be done. i feel a sense of loss but i know he is comfortable and happy (and eating all kinds of sweets, as he was diabetic) wherever he and his spirit have gone off to.

it is a very sad day for me. but, in his defense, thomas was nearly 90 years old and from what i could tell, had lived a very good life. he was happy every time we saw him, he was a huge oregon state fan, and every time i had dishes that needed to go to the dishwasher, i would bring them to his window. he would joke around with me. i shook his hand or gave him a high five every time i saw him and would exclaim, "thomas!" it always made him smile. he had a good sense of humor.

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in other news, last week i finished dress your family in corduroy and denim by david sedaris, and have moved onto when you are engulfed in flames by the same author. i have been listening to them in the car, but recently i began bringing cds to work and listening to them while i work.

another book i finished listening to this afternoon was the translator by daoud hari. this was another sad, sad tale, about a man and his family surrounded by war in darfur, which is in western sudan, near chad. it was good, historically, for me to learn about this region of the world. but horrible, and i mean in the worst way, horrible to learn about all the suffering and death the native people had to endure. running for their lives with their children as their villages were burned to the ground. there were other tales of sheer horror, which the author recounts. several times the story made me cry, overwhelming tears of sadness and loss, even though i have never been to africa, nor do i know anyone who lived there through that war / genocide. but who can not feel moved when they hear about children being murdered in front of their families, people being beaten to a bloody pulp and told they are liars when they are, in fact, telling the truth, or people who lose their entire families either to death or separation or murder. it was mortifying to listen to the words, and still i'm not quite sure about why everyone was fighting one another, other than the government seemed to put them up to it. rebel groups and resistance groups and actual evil people. there is so much evil. i cannot understand how any of the murderers can live with themselves on a day to day basis. it's just so wrong.

this of course, added to my sense of overall loss and sadness on the day. and then i think, what could i do about it? and then i think, i wouldn't even know the first thing about knowing what to do about it. and then i think, the united states does what they can to help out when they know something bad is happening. and then i think, why do so many people hate us?

time to think about something brighter.

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gym report:

decided to hit the strength conditioning class today. 1 hour of all sorts of lifting, step aerobics, jumping jacks, walking / running in place, squats, lunges, using the resistance band and walking, abs (mostly plank and pilates (ball) style), bicep curls, tricep extensions, overhead press, dead lifts, push ups, , and to finish it off, we did quick feet, high knees, jumping lunges, quick jump roping with out a rope, more high knees...

let me tell you something. you can lift and lift to your hearts content. but once you add aerobic exercise in with the lifting, all of a sudden 5lbs in each hand seems like it could pull you to the ground. i could not do the planks properly after the series of squats, lunges, and dead lifts. my legs were too shaky to stay up, nevermind my arms (which we did at the end). even now, an hour and a half later, my arms are still shaking.

i have often noticed that i feel more in shape when i'm multitasking my exercise. running is a fine activity, and for those who have the patience, endurance, and mentality to keep on going, i praise them. but add circuit training into your running, and it's likely you'll run out of steam way before your appointed goal for the day. rugby was a good sport for me because it's not just strength, but endurance, and mental capacity, and seeing the field and running into people, and then getting up and running, and then getting the ball and falling on the ground or passing in a controlled manner, and then jumping in the air and catching the ball, or coming together for a scrum where it takes every last bit of strength you have to hold tight and work as a unit.

i can run a 5k in about 1/2 hour. today i didn't go anywhere and feel like i'm about to drop.

weight: 162.6

stomper: didn't even go in the cardio room today. plus i went around 515pm.

it's about...time!

i am ready to start a new beginning, and i finally have time for it. it has already begun.

i started writing in my blog again. this in and of itself is a step forward for me. i'm happy to be back and to be thinking and cataloging and wondering about things.

michael and i have parted ways. this was agony and a blessing. i'm living in a new place. the room is extremely small but overall i love having a place to call my own.

i have begun unpacking / reorganizing my things. in the past few years i've lost track of some things that i thought were important, like keeping things simple, not accumulating too much, and staying organized. so i'm about to write the books on how to keep my stuff together in an orderly fashion. this is a quest of self discovery and finding out what i think i can really live with or without.

each category of stuff has some kind of optimal limit of "amount". how many flannel shirts do i really need? this goes on for socks, t-shirts, and other assorted "dress" clothes that i just don't think i'll wear again. i started the process of sorting clothes before i left michael's house - a sort of spring cleaning. i didn't finish, however, because i moved out. so now i'm unpacking all the sorted piles and dealing with them. again, trying to set an optimal limit on how many of each thing i need. how many long sleeve shirts do i need? how many work shirts? how many pairs of pants? shorts?

so far the limit has been loosely based on what fits right now and what doesn't. i find myself in one of those in between sizes that is not really one size (the size i've been for 13 years) and not quite the next size up (though, those clothes are looser and more comfy sometimes). my issue with that is purely pride. i don't WANT to wear the next size up, and i don't WANT to have to go out and buy new clothes.

the solution may be to lose some weight. i would not say i consider myself overweight. but i have just enough little bit extra to make some pants tight in the legs / waist. i am certain this is a quandry all women face. however, most other women are fine with going shopping and getting new clothes. in this way i'm stubborn. no new clothes! i already have enough old ones that are still in good shape! people have suggested goodwill. this way i don't have to spend much money on new clothes. it's the principle, however, of going and buying bigger clothes, that is the real issue for me.

in order to accomplish this "lose a few pounds to get my pants to fit" idea, i decided to buckle down and join the gym. seeing as i hate running outside by myself, and i don't really care for trail running (i always seem to twist my ankle...and i dislike hills though i like the view from the top), i thought i would try going to the gym and seeing what happens.

in general i dislike the gym because the sweat feels fake. it feels slimy. maybe the air circulation in all previous gyms was just bad and didn't allow for proper drying of sweat like being outside in the sun does. (maybe i will start bringing a towel.) in any event, i joined for the whole summer. till october 2nd, actually, which is EXACTLY the weekend of homecoming at hartwick, which i plan to attend. if i can find someone to play tennis with me on a regular basis over the summer, i can really see this going somewhere.

back to the gym. i have been testing out "fit" classes this week, since it is free week and you can go to as many as you want for free (pass for the rest of the summer is $29. why this isn't included in the gym cost, i have no idea.)

here's what i've done so far:

monday - cardio kick
tuesday - step sculpting, strength without boundaries, dance scene

the cardio kick was intense, and i envisioned severe butt pain on tuesday. but i didn't have hardly any pain. did i not do it hard enough? maybe i need to punch harder and push myself harder. i'm sure the teacher will do that for us. she seems good like that. she's very enthusiastic!

the step sculpting was maybe my favorite, but it was only 45 minutes. still good. it takes some coordination of practicing which foot to step with at any given time, but i liked it. this teacher has the least personality of all the teachers so far.

the strength class was all about how many implements you can use to work out without having a home gym. we used a yoga ball, a step, a mat, a leg band, a longer leg band with handles, dumbells, and a bench-press type pole with weights on either side. i get her methodology, and for sure she's working on weight and resistance training, which is something new for me. she is also very perky and always saying, "here we go! you can do it! nice work!"

the dance class was somewhat of a let down. i had taken funky street style dancing at ucdavis, and the teacher there was very into a warm up and isolations and really getting us ready before we started any kind of routine - that is where i perfected my running man, my terminator, my michael jackson thriller move, and my c-walk. the girl yesterday was very nice and seemed to be a good dancer, but we did like, a few warm up stretches and immediately started into the routine she wants to work on. and for one day, we were at my maximum amount of new moves learned that i was sure i wouldn't remember them all (but i did). one new thing we learned was happy feet, which i guess i've done before but it didn't come back as easily as i'd hoped. still, not sure i'll go back to that one.

tonight i will try cycle fit class, and pop hop fusion dance class.

i have yet to try the yoga class or the core conditioning class, but there just wasn't time and a lot of them overlap. i think i will buy the unlimited all summer pass, and just go as often as i can.

what surprises me the most is how NOT sore i am. i figured, with all the movement and the weights and dips and kicking, i would be in severe pain. tuesday i was feeling a little tightness in my back and shoulders, but nothing unmanageable. after the 3 classes yesterday, i have a little soreness in my shoulders and a little stiffness in my legs. but really? i worked out for 3 solid hours yesterday and this is all i have to show for it? my arms aren't even sore and i was sure they would be after doing all these arm exercises with weights. maybe i need to use heavier weights! lord! i'm going to be so buff!

wait, i don't get buff. this i learned in college. well at least i'll have muscles, even if no one can see them but me.

ok i just did an arms over the head and lean back in the computer chair stretch. i can feel some soreness in my abs. which i expected.

another thing i want to start working on is having a routine. of course this is all shot to heck this week (and probably for the next 3 weeks...and then past that cause i'll be on vacation), because work is eating, eating, eating up my days. running an experiment where i need to have solutions running for 30 hours over 2 days. i don't have to be with them all the time, but i don't like to leave them for too long either in case something happens and there's a fire or explosion or whatever. so the last few days i've been getting up at 530am and going to bed around 130am.

for anyone who knows me, this is definitely not enough sleep for me. i need more like 7-8 or more hours on a daily basis. right now i feel a little bit like a zombie, and i'm certainly not being productive. but being here counts as work so i'm getting a bunch of hours. and in the middle of all that, i take breaks to go to work out. however i haven't been eating regularly.

back to routines. perhaps once these next 2-3 crazy weeks are over, i can start normalizing myself again. get up at given time. do some regular morning type activities, like eat, shower, get dressed, pack lunch, take vitamins (i did take a vitamin today!) then bike to work - which is amazing because it is downhill and SO FAST! work for some normal amount of hours. like 8-10/day. go to the gym sometime during the day or play tennis if that works out. go home at a regular hour by bike, which is a workout in and of itself. make dinner. have my evenings to do home type things which i have been neglecting this past week, like sorting things, organizing things, work on photo albums or scrap books.

one thing i've been able to keep up with even through splitting up and moving is dancing. and then i wonder partially if the reason i've been not very sore from the working out is because my core is strong from dancing. could this be the reason for all my strength? who would have thought? anyway i'm doing that and having fun with it. and now i get to dance with lots of partners in a given night, which is even more fun!

well, i think i'll go get back to work. i've got more to write, but probably should get something productive done before the day is completely over.

peace and turtles!