and then you realize...

i have been having this situation at work. the boss took me into his office a few months back and told me funding was running out for my job. i expected this as i heard rumors money was going and going fast. so i was not shocked at this news. i then rose to leave the office, figuring we had nothing left to talk about, and he said, 'there's one more thing i want to talk to you about' - which, by anyone's standards is usually BAD NEWS. i thought, 'what could be more bad then being told your job is ending soon?' then he proceeded to tell me he thought i wasn't doing enough work at work, that i wasn't helping out enough, and that people (everyone) didn't feel comfortable asking me to help them because of my sarcastic nature. and i'm thinking...WHERE did this come from? i have been working in this lab for 2.5 years. if people had a problem with my sarcasm, it seems it would have struck them earlier, like, WHEN THEY MET ME (because i don't think i've changed much in the last 10 years or so). i don't think i'm a harsh kind of sarcastic like some of the guys i know, so i'm wondering how it is that my sarcasm ruins everyones day or makes them not want to work with me or ask me for help.

i start thinking about it and - well at the meeting i was struck and dumbfounded and shocked and i didn't know what to do or what to say. so i immediatly started talking about my family and how they're going through some stuff and how i'm so far away (they live on the east coast) and it's hard for me to feel connected them being so far away and it's been taking a toll on me, etc. and then i just started crying. it was one of those times i couldn't stop it and didn't want to, maybe for effect or for sympathy. my boss, who everyone views as the nicest guy ever to work with, was putting me down for something i had no idea was even a problem! i then proceeded to explain my work situation which is a long story but the short of it is that i work with one girl pretty closely and she is the kind of person who takes care of things WAY before they need to get done (days, weeks, months sometimes). so when i get around to thinking 'hey i should do that' she has already done it. she does that ALL THE TIME which is frustrating to work with. we call this phenomenon "bulldozing" - like, she keeps bulldozing me because there aren't any tasks that have been directly assigned to me, so she just does everything and leaves nothing for me to do but hang around and ask other people if they need help doing something. in fact come to think of it i don't think i've ever told someone NO I WON'T HELP YOU. it's just not my nature.

enough ranting. so i'm processing all this, and i'm angry with myself and confused at what just happened. i think to myself, 'how can i remedy this problem?' i decide the best way is to talk to 'everyone' in the lab and try to get to the bottom of this mystery tactfully and non-confrontationally. i don't want to beg forgiveness but i do want to know who doesn't like my attitude. i proceed to talk to just about everyone in the lab about this meeting i had with the boss, saying that i'm sorry if i had seemed to have a bad attitude lately or that i wasn't being myself (i thought i was being myself but maybe i wasn't, felt like apologizing for it anyway - people feel different when you apologize to them) and then i let them know that if there was anything they needed me to do, just to please let me know and i would gladly help them if i wasn't busy with something else. and after talking to about 6 out of the 9 people i work with, i came to this conclusion.

the people i talked to think i'm fine. they know i'm willing to help and think it's great i'm always asking to help them. which i do.

1 of the people i didn't talk to doesn't work with me directly. i help her occasionally but we're not really on most of the same projects, but i know she has asked me to help her probably 10-15 times in the last year and i have always agreed to help her out.

1 girl was on vacation.

the 3rd person had actually given me a pep-talk the day before my meeting (the meeting was sprung on me un-announced on a friday) telling me how i have all these great attributes and that i should try to find more things to do on my own and away from the girl i work with all the time, because i have some good specialized skills.

today at work i'm out in the woods with the girl i usually work with, and she asks me, 'can i tell you something that will just stay between us?' and i'm thinking, sure, i'm a good secret keeper. (which i am.) and she tells me not to trust one of the women in my lab - the one that gave me the pep talk. i say why not? she says "cause she talks about you behind your back. she talks about how she doesn't think you work hard enough and how she doesn't think this job is a good fit for you."

holy s*#t

...are you kidding me?