saving ourselves

i never thought too much about it before the past few years, but considering it now, i want to be able to hear when i get "old". so when i hear people listening to headphones so loudly that i can hear what they are listening to across the room, i have to wonder. have they already damaged their hearing so they have to listen to it that loudly to even hear it at all? have they been to too many rock concerts? or do they just really like their music LOUD? now, when i help with firewood chopping or mowing the lawn or watching a movie or going to a concert / show or working with loud equipment, i always wear ear protection.

i have always been a big proponent of eye protection as well, but this just seems logical. helmets also seem logical, as far as headgear is concerned on a bicycle, but it has taken me some time to come around to them (never wore one until about 3 years ago). though i have always, always worn my seatbelt in the car (unless there wasn't one, and then i just wrapped anything i could find around myself to hold me in).

but cell phones and ipods and all this stuff that has us using our ears so much...it scares me that the next generation (my generation) won't be suffering from arthritis or cancer until late in their lives, but they will be deaf before they even have their mid life crises...

--------------------
gym report:

i went to get new goggles, swim cap, wax earplugs, etc today at the store. there are so many choices of goggles i just didn't know what to get. i got ones with neoprene gaskets, thinking they'd be softer on my face. the truth of the matter is that they didn't keep the water out. now it could be that they'd been packaging for so long that they had divets, that might work themselves out in a day or 2. but if they don't look like they're going back to a shape where i can get water proof protection out of them, i'm going to return them and get ones with rubber gaskets. so i didn't do any face-in-the-water strokes today (sigh) but did have a good 1/2 hour swim.`

16 laps (32 lengths)

4 breast stroke
4 backstroke
4 sidestroke
4 elementary backstroke

need to get:
better goggles
flip flops / crocs?

weight: 167.1 (weighed wet and with clothes on)

stomper: saw her in the locker room.

tones of tenuosness

i'm amazed sometimes at how sometimes, something so good can go so bad so quickly.

i've been feeling strangely emotional this past week. not sure exactly what is going on with me, but one moment i'm happy and bubbly, the next minute i'm feeling rejected and sad.

tonight i got invited to a pre-birthday dinner. sushi! one of my favorites. i don't eat it as much as i like to, and not nearly as much as in davis. this one friend of mine really likes to go, and it was her birthday (well, pre-birthday), so we did. there was much talking, smiling, and good feelings. we spoke of men and relationships, of friends, of work, of the goings on of life, of music, and of our generally delightful lives.

we were saying our goodbyes and i casually mentioned we should try to get together next week or something, saying that she would probably have to eat or drink coffee sometime during the week. (as a note, we probably haven't seen each other since august or so. she's ALWAYS busy doing something or other, making plans with other people, rehearsing, running, doing schoolwork, whatever it is that she does.) she all of a sudden got very serious and stern with me, saying she had a lot to do, she couldn't commit to doing anything, she had a group project, she was serious, she had a lot going on and a lot to do...and all i was saying was we should get together for coffee or food, since i know she is going to do that anyway(ya gotta eat!). and again, she started berating me, telling me that, seriously, she had a lot going on, and that she wasn't going to argue about this because she wasn't going to commit and then not show up and let people down. i said, i have a very flexible schedule, you can call me whenever, and she said, i can call you at the minute i'm able to do something? and i said yes, and she said, i don't even know why i'm agreeing to this because i can't commit, i'm serious, i have so much to do, i'm not committing.

so i said, ok, i get it. call me or don't call me. whatever. and she looked at me with something between frustration and disgust...and said, "well, have a good night." and i said, "you too." but at that point i was on the verge of tears.

i could not, for the life of me, figure out what had just happened. we were having such a good time. the only thing i can think of is that i was seeming threatening to her, in some way, and that her life feels somewhat out of control and that she needed to control something so i was the target. i don't think i was forcing her to say "yes i will eat lunch with you tuesday" but i was giving out options of things i was doing and if she was available, she could keep them in mind.

anyway it was all very weird. but what is sticking with me is the tone of voice she used with me. it was like a mom speaking to a child that just did something bad. it didn't make me feel good at all. it's strange how a tone of voice can do that, and i'm wondering how many times i've done it to other people. i know how it can change things, from good to bad or bad to good. in fact, this weekend there were several times when things went from bad to good when someone was kind with me when i was feeling down.

oh, emotions! what a hassle.

--------------------
gym report:

20 min stair / elliptical machine
3x10 @ 30 military press
3x10 @ 70lb upright row
3x10 @ 30lb overhead press

(sara wasn't feeling well here, so we stopped lifting; i was hoping to get lat pull downs and/or bicep/triceps done, but oh well)

10 min abs / stretching

weight: 160.6

stomper: she was there, stomping away!

best compliment in recent memory

first of all, i completely forgot to mention that i danced to wild asparagus both monday and tuesday nights. first in corvallis, where some eugene people and even some portland people came to the dance. it was a great night, and i got to dance with a LOT of my favorite people. some even twice. and a great hambo and fantastic waltz. afterward, i joined the group that went to mcmenimans, even though it was a 'school' night. ate some tots and wings and generally chatted it up with whomever was there. got home late, but full and happy.

tuesday night it was back to portland, and while there, i saw some people that were at the dance camp over the weekend. note, i wasn't at the camp weekend, but they were from far away places and the only reason they would still be in portland by tuesday was because they had been in oregon over the weekend. anyway, one of them in particular, who i hadn't seen since, maybe, april, saw me and said, "you've lost weight!" and i replied, "yes, but not of my own accord" and he said, "i'm sorry to hear that." later he said to me, "i'm sorry you were unwell." and i said, no, that wasn't it. but rather, that breakups do that to a person. and he said, "well i love you anyway!" and gave me a big bear hug. it was very sweet.

he was not the first person to have noticed my weight loss. but i hadn't even really noticed it, aside from the fact that my pants are now starting to fit again. apparently it was noticeable as soon as a week after the breakup.

breakups are tough, and when paired with having to move all your stuff out of a house and having a long, stressful week at work, it's a wonder i was able to eat anything at all. people, the next weekend, said to me, "girl, are you eating?" and i wondered how they could notice this change in me so quickly. i said, "yes, but i'm stressed at work and stuff." and truthfully, i wasn't eating much or very well. they said, "well you've lost a lot of weight." now, i'm not sure, but i don't think a person can lose a lot of weight in just one week. sure you might lose a pound or two, probably from not eating, not drinking water, not sleeping, or possibly a tapeworm, but when i hear "a lot" in this case, i'm thinking 40-50lbs. and there's no way i lost that much that fast, and still fit into the same clothing.

it's hard to see it in yourself when you see yourself every day. i noticed, as recently as a year ago, that my pants were starting to get snug. i decided this year, i was going to do something about it. and so i'd given up eating dessert after dinner. i've probably gone back on my resolution about a dozen times over the year, but still, i've been really dilligent. and i think it's helped a lot, as i'm back into my pants, comfortably, again. but i have not lost a lot of weight.

at a dance camp at the end of summer, i wore a tank top (which is almost unheard of in the dance community, they know me as 'tie dye') which was slightly more form fitting than the usual t-shirts i generally wear. people were saying, "oh my god, i didn't even recognize you!" and "wow, you look great!" and "you lost a lot of weight! like 30-40lbs, right?" and i said, sorry folks, no, i didn't lose THAT much weight. maybe 10lbs or something, tops.

but perhaps it all came off my face. or maybe i looked younger after getting out of a relationship that i felt was destroying my inner soul and not letting me be me. i'm sure some of it came off other places, but i assure you, it's not that much.

the best compliment, however, getting back to the point of the story, was not about that. the last contra dance of the evening tuesday night, i danced with someone a lot shorter than me, and someone i thought of as a person who would do 'tricks' while dancing. like twirling me in an unconventional way, or trying out other moves, as in couples dancing or whatever. some of his movements were subtle, and some were more obvious. but either way, i had to try to remind myself over and over to let myself be lead. it is not easy for me, when most men won't lead me, or i try to fight them when they do something i'm not ready for, or i misread their lead and do something weird instead of what they were trying to get me to do.

at the end of our dance, he looked at me and beamed, saying, "you are SUCH a good follow! you did every little thing i thought of, you caught every nuance!" i was feeling pretty proud of myself at this point and i said, "thank you very much, i had a lot of fun dancing with you." and he said, "this was the highlight of my evening. the best dance of the night!" and i thought he might be laying it on a bit thick, but he did ask me to waltz. i declined as i already had a waltz partner, but i left him thinking, "wow, have i really come that far? am i really a good follow, finally?" i'm not as good as some of the other dancers in our community. there are certainly far better (and better looking!) ladies in the group that are just amazing dancers. i tip my hat to them, i envy them, i strive to be more like them. maybe these baby steps are leading somewhere...

--------------------
gym report:

after yesterday's severe regiment of strength conditioning class, i'm almost unable to walk today. lots of stiffness and soreness. too many squats and lunges. certain ways i step make me fear my knee might go backwards. going upstairs is difficult. going downstairs is almost impossible. sara wasn't feeling well again, so i decided that i'd go easy on myself and go swimming instead.

16 laps (32 lengths)

4 kicking with kickboard
4 breast stroke
4 backstroke
4 sidestroke

after all this, i was very warm. slightly less stiff, but still sore. i'm sure it helped. maybe i'll feel better tomorrow.

need to get:
swim cap
wax earplugs
goggles
flip flops

weight: 168.2 (weighed wet and with clothes on)

stomper: i didn't even go upstairs to look for her.

feeling full of loss

death, loss, and general sadness

today i found out that our dish scraper guy, thomas, died last week. he had come in the previous week to see us, to visit...he'd been gone for awhile, some surgery on his eyes, and then had broken part of his back and had been in a bed for weeks. he was well enough (and driving!) to come see us, though he didn't work that day. he was in great spirits.

today when i got to the kitchen, it was fairly empty. pat, the tall dishwasher, was also there early. i said, "you're here early" (i was too) and he said, "marilyn and i came early to pay our respects for tom." i said, "tom? the dish scraper?" he said, "yes, he passed away on veteran's day." i said, "really?! i had no idea! of course, i don't get the paper so i didn't see the obituary." pat said that apparently the night before he died, thomas was doing fine, had gone to bed at his usual time, and was snoring away at 9pm. when his wife checked on him in the morning, he had apparently died in his sleep and was not breathing. there is suspicion that he had an old aneurysm that began to leak again, but no autopsy was done. and now may he rest in peace.

knowing what that is like, to wake up next to someone you care about and realizing they are gone...i was devastated (my grandfather passed away in his recliner chair in the night, while i slept on the bed next to the chair, holding his hand). i did cry, a little, for what kind of person is not moved when a person they are close with passes on? but there was much work to be done. i feel a sense of loss but i know he is comfortable and happy (and eating all kinds of sweets, as he was diabetic) wherever he and his spirit have gone off to.

it is a very sad day for me. but, in his defense, thomas was nearly 90 years old and from what i could tell, had lived a very good life. he was happy every time we saw him, he was a huge oregon state fan, and every time i had dishes that needed to go to the dishwasher, i would bring them to his window. he would joke around with me. i shook his hand or gave him a high five every time i saw him and would exclaim, "thomas!" it always made him smile. he had a good sense of humor.

--------------------------
in other news, last week i finished dress your family in corduroy and denim by david sedaris, and have moved onto when you are engulfed in flames by the same author. i have been listening to them in the car, but recently i began bringing cds to work and listening to them while i work.

another book i finished listening to this afternoon was the translator by daoud hari. this was another sad, sad tale, about a man and his family surrounded by war in darfur, which is in western sudan, near chad. it was good, historically, for me to learn about this region of the world. but horrible, and i mean in the worst way, horrible to learn about all the suffering and death the native people had to endure. running for their lives with their children as their villages were burned to the ground. there were other tales of sheer horror, which the author recounts. several times the story made me cry, overwhelming tears of sadness and loss, even though i have never been to africa, nor do i know anyone who lived there through that war / genocide. but who can not feel moved when they hear about children being murdered in front of their families, people being beaten to a bloody pulp and told they are liars when they are, in fact, telling the truth, or people who lose their entire families either to death or separation or murder. it was mortifying to listen to the words, and still i'm not quite sure about why everyone was fighting one another, other than the government seemed to put them up to it. rebel groups and resistance groups and actual evil people. there is so much evil. i cannot understand how any of the murderers can live with themselves on a day to day basis. it's just so wrong.

this of course, added to my sense of overall loss and sadness on the day. and then i think, what could i do about it? and then i think, i wouldn't even know the first thing about knowing what to do about it. and then i think, the united states does what they can to help out when they know something bad is happening. and then i think, why do so many people hate us?

time to think about something brighter.

---------------------

gym report:

decided to hit the strength conditioning class today. 1 hour of all sorts of lifting, step aerobics, jumping jacks, walking / running in place, squats, lunges, using the resistance band and walking, abs (mostly plank and pilates (ball) style), bicep curls, tricep extensions, overhead press, dead lifts, push ups, , and to finish it off, we did quick feet, high knees, jumping lunges, quick jump roping with out a rope, more high knees...

let me tell you something. you can lift and lift to your hearts content. but once you add aerobic exercise in with the lifting, all of a sudden 5lbs in each hand seems like it could pull you to the ground. i could not do the planks properly after the series of squats, lunges, and dead lifts. my legs were too shaky to stay up, nevermind my arms (which we did at the end). even now, an hour and a half later, my arms are still shaking.

i have often noticed that i feel more in shape when i'm multitasking my exercise. running is a fine activity, and for those who have the patience, endurance, and mentality to keep on going, i praise them. but add circuit training into your running, and it's likely you'll run out of steam way before your appointed goal for the day. rugby was a good sport for me because it's not just strength, but endurance, and mental capacity, and seeing the field and running into people, and then getting up and running, and then getting the ball and falling on the ground or passing in a controlled manner, and then jumping in the air and catching the ball, or coming together for a scrum where it takes every last bit of strength you have to hold tight and work as a unit.

i can run a 5k in about 1/2 hour. today i didn't go anywhere and feel like i'm about to drop.

weight: 162.6

stomper: didn't even go in the cardio room today. plus i went around 515pm.

a mix of meet ups

what a great weekend. i'm feeling spirited and alive! and very happy. and somewhat relaxed and not stressed about things.

saturday we met up with cindy, a fellow dancer from washington. we had a great brunch at a local bakery. drank tea and ate croissants, crumb cake, flatbread...delicious!

sunday we met up with heather, who i used to work with in CA. last year she moved to portland, so it was cool to reconnect with her. next time i will try the veggie burger!

today the weather was just perfect. it has been cool, but with my natural new england layers on, it feels just perfect. like fall is supposed to feel. the getting dark early leaves something to be desired. but that too will pass...if only the people with leaf blowers would leave me some leaves to kick around!

danced on thursday night in eugene, friday and saturday nights in portland. sunday was a true day of rest, and more dancing tonight in corvallis and tomorrow night in portland again. i love twirling, eye contact, and especially large doses of smiling. and the hugs! don't forget the hugs.

--------------------
gym report:

got to the gym a little later today than in past days.

10 min elliptical (my knee was bugging me)
3x10 @ 30 military press
3x10 @ 70lb upright row
3x10 @ 30lb overhead press
3x10 @ 50lb lat pull down
3x10 @ 25lb bicep curl
3x10 @ 10lb tricep raise
10 min abs / stretching

weight: 160.6

stomper: not in attendance today! (like i said, we were a little late)

sleeping, but not on a rock

i don't have to joke around about this. anyone who knows me, knows i absolutely LOVE to sleep. i could go on and on about how much fun i have sleeping, all the fun dreams i have (or not so fun dreams sometimes), and the overall general idea of laying down. it all thrills me. i love it.

today was a good morning for sleeping. gray and sort of drizzly weather makes me want to stay in bed for days. i know i'll write more about this but i'm about to head out to go eat pizza and go dancing with some of my dearest dancing friends. i cannot wait!

wild asparagus, here we come!

-------------------------

gym report:

20 min cardio / step / elliptical
8 min cycling @ 70rpm
3x10 @ 70lb leg curl
3x10 @ 70lb leg extension
3x10 @ 50lb individual leg kickback
3x10 @ 150lb leg press
3x10 @ 170lb toe raise
10 min abs and stretching

weight: 161.5

stomper: 4th day, the girl never rests

why do we crucify ourselves?

yesterday, i seem to have forgotten to bring in cds to listen to at work, so i was stuck with whatever i happened to have. in this case, it was tori amos' little earthquakes. i listened to it 3 times while shaving the bark off wood samples in the lab. and the song that stuck with me is called "crucify":

why do we, crucify ourselves
everyday, i crucify myself
nothing i do is good enough for you
(crucify myself)
my heart is sick of being, i said my heart is sick of being in chains....

i know i do it to myself. and i don't need to. getting out of the habit is the hard part. she's got some other good tunes on there too, highly worth a listen. however, if you don't like or 'get' her style, you might not like it as much. i started off listening to the under the pink album, which was even a little weirder, but it's my favorite even after all these years. thanks k.e. for introducing her to me!

today i forgot cds again, so i'll probably listen to whatever i've got on my ipod. this may include: jack johnson, john mayer, keane, the killers, madonna, aimee mann, and maroon 5.

[i ended up listening to a collection of aimee mann songs (thanks j.b.) and madonna's american life album]

-----------------

gym report (this time, with sara!):

20 min cardio/stair/glider
10 min spin cycle
3x10 @ 30lb military press
3x10 @ 30lb overhead shoulder press
3x10 @ 50lb lat pull down
3x10 @ 30lb bicep curl
3x10 @ 10lb tricep curl
15 min abs and stretching

weight: 162

stomper: 3 days running

greetings royal pedestrian!

so today i went to the MU to check my mailbox, deposit a check, go to the post office, etc. those things you do when you do that sort of thing. as i emerged from the bookstore exit (where i parked my bike) i hear someone say:

"excuse me sir, but i see that you're wearing a purple shirt today. did you know that purple is the color of royalty?"

i can't hear the man's response
and there is another exchange i've now forgotten, and then,

"would you like to use your royalty to save the world with me today?"

and then i realize, he's one of those people that try to chase you down to join something, or sign up for something, or give money to something. i dislike these people very much. set up your table, put up a sign, and let me decide if i want to sign up for it on my own accord. don't badger me, chase me, try to persuade me; this only serves to make me angry and try to get away from you faster. i figure this is why they hire young people to do this job, because the rest of us know that if we see someone coming in our general direction, to quickly change course and avoid as necessary.

turns out, the guy was for greenpeace, which is a fine organization. but i don't want to sign up for anything. good thing he didn't come for me. i would have had to smile and say no thank you and walk away very quickly.

as i was riding my bike away, i noticed another greenpeace guy where i was going to be biking in moments. luckily, he turned to someone coming down the stairs of the MU before he had a chance to try to tackle me in the grass and convince me his cause was a good one. ok maybe that last part was just a fantasy. i don't even know if he was cute or not. maybe he wouldn't even know how to tackle.

as i left the MU area, i turned onto 26th street and headed toward jefferson. i passed a guy on a bike, biking with no hands and no helmet, and TEXTING while he was cycling along. this means he wasn't even looking at the road. at all. seriously?

as i was approaching the intersection, a girl pedestrian stepped off the curb, without stopping, without even looking up to check for traffic, cars or bikes or otherwise. she just blindly walked out into the intersection. i'm sure she felt like she had all the right to do so, as she was in a crosswalk. but really, didn't her mother teach her to look both ways first? have people here become SO complacent, SO righteous that they think they are each the center of the universe? that someone else will always be looking out for them? that someone else will always see them and avoid them? my goodness.

and then, there's me. as i was walking home from the gym, i became mesmerized by some people playing flag football. not that any of them were anything to look at, nor do i really care about the sport that much. the refs had REALLY loud whistles and people were running around which i think caught my eyes and ears. anyway i was walking home along the street because there is no sidewalk that connects where i work to the gym, and i guess i got lost in the moment and began to veer into the middle of the road, right as the quarterback was being chased down and was about to make some amazing pass or have his flags ripped off. just then i realized there was a car coming down the road, and that maybe i should get back on my side. self righteous, indeed.

--------------------------

on a side note, i have wicked leg envy. the gym has made this feeling in me resurface. i mean, i just envy people with nice looking, smooth, shapely legs. i may be tainted by popular culture and media and whatever, but there are some people (namely women) whose legs really attract my attention. i'm sure the people who have them know they look that good. i'm sure they shave every day and use lotion and go to the gym every day and never eat junk food (or maybe they do and their metabolism is so high that it just melts right off). anyway, i have extreme leg envy. i could say i have body envy too but i'll save that for another day.

on another gym related topic, each day i've gone to the gym (2 days in a row now) i've seen the same girl there. she's always on the treadmill, running. when she runs, it sounds like she's stomping. and she runs at a good clip. and she's always on before i start and always still on after i leave. i have a sneaking suspicion she ignores the "please only work out for 30 minutes" rule. she seems to be looking around to see if anyone else is interested in her machine while she's on it, but has never gotten off while i've been there. in fact i would venture to guess she's there every day and runs for an hour. we'll see. i'll keep tabs on her in my gym report.

i didn't bring any cds from home today, so looks like it's either tori amos or the ipod.

-----------------------
gym report:

20 minutes spin cycle (sounds like laundry to me)
3x10 @ 70lb leg curl
3x10 @ 70lb leg extensions
3x10 @ 150lb leg press
3x10 @ 65?lb squats (i used the big bar plus 2 10lb weights on the ends)
10 minutes abs /stretching

weight: 160.6

stomper: 2 days in a row

one point five

this weekend was a blast. jon and i drove to california and danced in sacramento friday night, to the great bear trio and erik weberg. and then saturday we danced for 12 hours (approximately) to hot cider, southwest passage, and the great bear trio, and callers joyce miller, joe michaels, and erik weberg. this was all fine and good, and i probably drank about a gallon of water / gatorade thoroughout the day. and did a fine amount of sweating, as is evidenced by my large bag of sweaty clothing now in the laundry pile.

but what really gets me is that i weighed myself before we left for CA, and then weighed myself on the same scale today. i weigh 1.5 pounds less than when i left. 1.5 lbs. that's it?! i danced, aerobically, for nearly 15 hours over the past several days. and 1.5 is all i lost? now some would say, well, you were burning fat which is light and building muscle which is heavy. that may be true. but still! 1.5 lbs is the amount of water you could drink in a sitting. i was very disappointed.

i went to the gym today, and weighed myself on their scale. theirs says i weigh 4 lbs more than i did this morning (different scale). granted, at the gym i was wearing clothing and had eaten at least 1 meal for the day and had some water and some tea to drink. i plan to use the gym scale in the future, for local reasons only.

i'm not actually obsessed with my weight. someone in college once told me, "it's not what you weigh, but how you look." and for me, it's more about fitting into my clothes. ideally, i'd love to get back to 145-155. have a little ways to go before that happens. but not much. and i could get more muscular. it's a dream, but perhaps a possibility now that i've rejoined the gym.

speaking of the gym, i thought maybe i'd start keeping track of workouts on here. if i remember. if i log on. if i think of it.

11/9
military press, 30lbs, 3x8
20 minutes spinning cycle, no monitor
10 minutes abs, stretching

weight: 162

-----------------------

on an unrelated topic, i haven't yet begun to tackle the music project. but i'll get to it. tomorrow is a new day. plus i might remember to bring some cds to listen to at work! trying to decide what to listen to first is the toughest thing. i could begin at the beginning, the end, the soundtracks and mixes, the contra dance music, the other dance music...but it's all very exciting!

this and that, hopes and fears, rough and tumble

well, trying to post every month was a good idea. in my mind, i'm writing this blog all the time. it's the thing of actually getting onto a computer and blathering all the stuff rattling around in my brain onto the screen, that's the actual problem.


music related:

the other day while biking or driving perhaps, i revisited the idea of listening to all my cds in alphabetical order again. last time i did it, or at least, started it, i was living in minnesota. i had gotten the idea from a guy i worked with during the summer of 2000 in iowa. so maybe i started my quest in 2001 or possibly 2002. and this project is not just listen to the album once and call it good. it's listening to each cd at least 2-3 times on repeat, until i feel comfortable that i've heard the all songs in their entirety.

and i got from ABBA - michael jackson while in MN. this worked out great because i had my own office where people only occasionally came in to use equipment. so i was never bothering anyone but myself with listening to my fabulous music.

when i moved to CA in 2003, i thought i'd continue my quest, though i wasn't working alone in an office anymore, and most people in CA didn't seem to "like" my music. so at home, i think i got from jack johnson through toad the wet sprocket. not to mention, throughout this time, getting new CDs for the collection, and attempting to assimilate them into the bigger picture.

so this means, i must have stopped off around U, which at the time may have had keith urban (quite good), and usher (i know, i know! i recycled it. i think.) and then led into V, W, X, Y, and Z. for V i'm sure i've got vertical horizon, w includes water street blues band, i don't think i have any X cds, Y is trisha yearwood, yo yo ma, and pete yorn, and Z has zela (minneapolis!). i know i'm not remembering a bunch that i have...but i might have had 10-20 cds to go (not to mention soundtracks, dance mixes, other personal mixes, etc) when i moved to nevada, which squashed all hopes of completing the project.

so now i'm in a place where i think i can start up the project again. but it's been like, 8 years or something since i started it. i think my new quest will be to begin at the end and work backwards. i still have about 30 cds in my "need to assimilate" pile, as well as contra dance cds which have entered the picture...maybe i'll shoot for a stack (of some given number) a week and see where that takes me.

because the work i'm doing now, for the most part, i can listen to music on my headphones and not bother anyone. except myself, sometimes.

---------------

on becoming a musician, maybe:

this past weekend (halloween) jon asked me to join his band ('stainless') as part time percussionist and to play guitar on the hambo. having been associated with the dance community for so long, i knew that i would not feel uncomfortable, or get stage fright, while doing so, and i thought it might be a good opportunity for me to try things out. and wow, what fun! the band was receptive to my playing, and people seemed to like the percussion because it helps keep the steady beat that's so nice to have while dancing. we got lots of compliments about the band, how it was better than some other contra dance bands, and had a good solid sound.

afterwards, rich told me that i should apply for megaband. i hadn't really thought much of it before, but a couple of my friends might be partaking in the activities this year, so i figured, why not. i emailed the coordinator and she put me on the waiting list for guitar and percussion. who knows, maybe i'll get in. i don't have dreams of being some kind of front row player, but it might be really cool to be up there hearing the complete sound. though, i think you get the best sound being out on the dance floor! well, i'll give it a shot.

in the meanwhile, jon and i have been working on our music together. a few nights ago, he practiced fiddle and i worked on some chord changes on guitar. i thought it went surprisingly well, and i felt like i might really be getting it after just a short time. then again, my fingers have been numb for the subsequent few days. actually, i think it's just my index finger at this time, which means i'm more likely to try again knowing i can endure the pain.

---------------

girl stuff:

sometimes i really, really hate being a woman. there's all this crazy crap you have to deal with, being emotional and sensitive. in the past, i've mostly let it slide or dealt with it on my own time. or not. perhaps i just stored it away. and every so often, i'd start crying for no apparent reason and then be over it.

as i've gotten older, i've tried to pay attention to what processes my body goes through before cramps are imminent. i never thought of myself as much of a PMSer, biting peoples heads off or throwing tantrums or anything. my mom said that she used to have lower back pain or something. i've tried to pay attention to that, but i don't think i get it. one thing that happened this time, though, was that i got strangely overwhelmed by negative thoughts the day before it happened. i just felt like everything i was doing was wrong, and that i was messing everything up, and who would want to hang around with me anyway?

and then ensues the crying. when i feel bad about myself, what else is there to do but cry? i think a few other women are with me on this one. but being overwhelmed by crazy hormonal levels is really just not fun.

i've always had troubles with cramps. maybe as early as i started having them. and have tried numerous ways to fight them off.

a few things i've learned:

-multi vitamins on a regular basis help a lot. now if i could only remember to take them.

-naproxen sodium works OK if i take it for a day before i think i'm going to get the cramps. this works fine if you have a predictable schedule (i'm not so lucky).

-ibuprofen works great if i can take enough of it, and rest for about 1/2 hour after i've taken it (with food, of course).

-tylenol does diddly squat. don't bother.

-breathing and relaxing are key. my brother once said something wise, he may have stolen from someone else, but he said "it's not pain if you don't let it hurt you." this reminds me of everclear's song lyric "they can't hurt you unless you let them." anyway, i think the cramping can be a very positive feedback system (and i don't mean in a good way). if i react to the pain, it increases, which increases my reaction, and soon enough i'm writhing on the floor in pain (reminds me of college, bleck). knowing that it's happening, it's best if there's a place to lay down, breathe, relax, and remind myself that it won't last for long, it will fade soon, it's just a wave of pain, i can handle it, etc. it also helps if i've taken some ibuprofen at this point. what's best is if i'm at home or mostly just NOT at work, where i can lay down and fall asleep for awhile.

-sleeping is the BEST way to kill cramping!

-birth control pills might be an option, but for the same reasons as the multi-vitamins don't always work, i would have to get on some kind of regular rhythm of actually taking them. i tried in college and it just didn't work out for me. plus, i guess i didn't like the idea of keeping all my eggs bundled up inside. overcrowding doesn't work so well in nature, why would it work so well inside me? if i ever did decide to have a kid (not likely), i sure would want them to come out normal and not all deformed because the egg had been crowded inside for too long.

so i suffer with the pain. sometimes it's not so bad. sometimes, it's knockout bad. people start to notice when i don't feel well, and i'm reminded of high school, where this one girl on my volleyball team would get them so bad, you could just look at her and know something was wrong. sometimes i feel like i'm super pale. other times, my body is overheating but my hands are freezing. and sometimes the pain is so strong it makes me hunch over while i'm walking, and limp a little bit. i know that part of this is me reacting to it, and if i would just calm down and relax it would be so much easier to deal with. this doesn't work so well when i've already taken the max dose of medication and am still in pain, and can't just go lay down because i'm at work or at the soup kitchen where people are relying on me to do my job.

---------------

other stuff:

life is good! aside from crampiness, i'm generally happy with my life at this time. and i'm about to go to california to do a 12 hour dance! we've got several books on CD, and several music cds to listen to, and endless topics to discuss...i'm hopeful this trip will be a good and memorable one. plus, i'll bring the ice packs in case my feet decide they just can't go another step...because i will not stop dancing until the midnight bell has rung!

grass valley, here we come!