tones of tenuosness

i'm amazed sometimes at how sometimes, something so good can go so bad so quickly.

i've been feeling strangely emotional this past week. not sure exactly what is going on with me, but one moment i'm happy and bubbly, the next minute i'm feeling rejected and sad.

tonight i got invited to a pre-birthday dinner. sushi! one of my favorites. i don't eat it as much as i like to, and not nearly as much as in davis. this one friend of mine really likes to go, and it was her birthday (well, pre-birthday), so we did. there was much talking, smiling, and good feelings. we spoke of men and relationships, of friends, of work, of the goings on of life, of music, and of our generally delightful lives.

we were saying our goodbyes and i casually mentioned we should try to get together next week or something, saying that she would probably have to eat or drink coffee sometime during the week. (as a note, we probably haven't seen each other since august or so. she's ALWAYS busy doing something or other, making plans with other people, rehearsing, running, doing schoolwork, whatever it is that she does.) she all of a sudden got very serious and stern with me, saying she had a lot to do, she couldn't commit to doing anything, she had a group project, she was serious, she had a lot going on and a lot to do...and all i was saying was we should get together for coffee or food, since i know she is going to do that anyway(ya gotta eat!). and again, she started berating me, telling me that, seriously, she had a lot going on, and that she wasn't going to argue about this because she wasn't going to commit and then not show up and let people down. i said, i have a very flexible schedule, you can call me whenever, and she said, i can call you at the minute i'm able to do something? and i said yes, and she said, i don't even know why i'm agreeing to this because i can't commit, i'm serious, i have so much to do, i'm not committing.

so i said, ok, i get it. call me or don't call me. whatever. and she looked at me with something between frustration and disgust...and said, "well, have a good night." and i said, "you too." but at that point i was on the verge of tears.

i could not, for the life of me, figure out what had just happened. we were having such a good time. the only thing i can think of is that i was seeming threatening to her, in some way, and that her life feels somewhat out of control and that she needed to control something so i was the target. i don't think i was forcing her to say "yes i will eat lunch with you tuesday" but i was giving out options of things i was doing and if she was available, she could keep them in mind.

anyway it was all very weird. but what is sticking with me is the tone of voice she used with me. it was like a mom speaking to a child that just did something bad. it didn't make me feel good at all. it's strange how a tone of voice can do that, and i'm wondering how many times i've done it to other people. i know how it can change things, from good to bad or bad to good. in fact, this weekend there were several times when things went from bad to good when someone was kind with me when i was feeling down.

oh, emotions! what a hassle.

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gym report:

20 min stair / elliptical machine
3x10 @ 30 military press
3x10 @ 70lb upright row
3x10 @ 30lb overhead press

(sara wasn't feeling well here, so we stopped lifting; i was hoping to get lat pull downs and/or bicep/triceps done, but oh well)

10 min abs / stretching

weight: 160.6

stomper: she was there, stomping away!