feeling full of loss

death, loss, and general sadness

today i found out that our dish scraper guy, thomas, died last week. he had come in the previous week to see us, to visit...he'd been gone for awhile, some surgery on his eyes, and then had broken part of his back and had been in a bed for weeks. he was well enough (and driving!) to come see us, though he didn't work that day. he was in great spirits.

today when i got to the kitchen, it was fairly empty. pat, the tall dishwasher, was also there early. i said, "you're here early" (i was too) and he said, "marilyn and i came early to pay our respects for tom." i said, "tom? the dish scraper?" he said, "yes, he passed away on veteran's day." i said, "really?! i had no idea! of course, i don't get the paper so i didn't see the obituary." pat said that apparently the night before he died, thomas was doing fine, had gone to bed at his usual time, and was snoring away at 9pm. when his wife checked on him in the morning, he had apparently died in his sleep and was not breathing. there is suspicion that he had an old aneurysm that began to leak again, but no autopsy was done. and now may he rest in peace.

knowing what that is like, to wake up next to someone you care about and realizing they are gone...i was devastated (my grandfather passed away in his recliner chair in the night, while i slept on the bed next to the chair, holding his hand). i did cry, a little, for what kind of person is not moved when a person they are close with passes on? but there was much work to be done. i feel a sense of loss but i know he is comfortable and happy (and eating all kinds of sweets, as he was diabetic) wherever he and his spirit have gone off to.

it is a very sad day for me. but, in his defense, thomas was nearly 90 years old and from what i could tell, had lived a very good life. he was happy every time we saw him, he was a huge oregon state fan, and every time i had dishes that needed to go to the dishwasher, i would bring them to his window. he would joke around with me. i shook his hand or gave him a high five every time i saw him and would exclaim, "thomas!" it always made him smile. he had a good sense of humor.

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in other news, last week i finished dress your family in corduroy and denim by david sedaris, and have moved onto when you are engulfed in flames by the same author. i have been listening to them in the car, but recently i began bringing cds to work and listening to them while i work.

another book i finished listening to this afternoon was the translator by daoud hari. this was another sad, sad tale, about a man and his family surrounded by war in darfur, which is in western sudan, near chad. it was good, historically, for me to learn about this region of the world. but horrible, and i mean in the worst way, horrible to learn about all the suffering and death the native people had to endure. running for their lives with their children as their villages were burned to the ground. there were other tales of sheer horror, which the author recounts. several times the story made me cry, overwhelming tears of sadness and loss, even though i have never been to africa, nor do i know anyone who lived there through that war / genocide. but who can not feel moved when they hear about children being murdered in front of their families, people being beaten to a bloody pulp and told they are liars when they are, in fact, telling the truth, or people who lose their entire families either to death or separation or murder. it was mortifying to listen to the words, and still i'm not quite sure about why everyone was fighting one another, other than the government seemed to put them up to it. rebel groups and resistance groups and actual evil people. there is so much evil. i cannot understand how any of the murderers can live with themselves on a day to day basis. it's just so wrong.

this of course, added to my sense of overall loss and sadness on the day. and then i think, what could i do about it? and then i think, i wouldn't even know the first thing about knowing what to do about it. and then i think, the united states does what they can to help out when they know something bad is happening. and then i think, why do so many people hate us?

time to think about something brighter.

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gym report:

decided to hit the strength conditioning class today. 1 hour of all sorts of lifting, step aerobics, jumping jacks, walking / running in place, squats, lunges, using the resistance band and walking, abs (mostly plank and pilates (ball) style), bicep curls, tricep extensions, overhead press, dead lifts, push ups, , and to finish it off, we did quick feet, high knees, jumping lunges, quick jump roping with out a rope, more high knees...

let me tell you something. you can lift and lift to your hearts content. but once you add aerobic exercise in with the lifting, all of a sudden 5lbs in each hand seems like it could pull you to the ground. i could not do the planks properly after the series of squats, lunges, and dead lifts. my legs were too shaky to stay up, nevermind my arms (which we did at the end). even now, an hour and a half later, my arms are still shaking.

i have often noticed that i feel more in shape when i'm multitasking my exercise. running is a fine activity, and for those who have the patience, endurance, and mentality to keep on going, i praise them. but add circuit training into your running, and it's likely you'll run out of steam way before your appointed goal for the day. rugby was a good sport for me because it's not just strength, but endurance, and mental capacity, and seeing the field and running into people, and then getting up and running, and then getting the ball and falling on the ground or passing in a controlled manner, and then jumping in the air and catching the ball, or coming together for a scrum where it takes every last bit of strength you have to hold tight and work as a unit.

i can run a 5k in about 1/2 hour. today i didn't go anywhere and feel like i'm about to drop.

weight: 162.6

stomper: didn't even go in the cardio room today. plus i went around 515pm.